I want to start with a confession.
It was just our first year of being married and I was on full mode trying to be the best wife. I was pregnant and had just given up my career to stay at home while waiting for my baby. There were times when I would stand in line at the cashier, holding something I really wanted (a Chicago slice of Sbarro, a sausage roll of Starbucks, or a refill of my compact powder) and my chest would feel tight. Not because we could not afford it. Not because it was irresponsible. But because I was already rehearsing how to justify it in my head.
Do I really need this? What if my husband thinks this is a waste? What if I should have saved this instead?
And the worst part? Sometimes I would still buy it and feel guilty after. Other times I would put it back and feel resentful.
If this sounds familiar, you are not alone.
Many wives carry what I call an invisible guilt when it comes to spending money on themselves. Even women who contribute financially and who manage the household budget. Even women who are very practical and disciplined with money.
This guilt is quiet and heavy. It is often talked about but rarely resolved. So in this article, let’s talk about where it comes from and how to finally let it go.
The invisible guilt many wives carry
In Filipino households, women are taught early to be matiisin. To sacrifice, adjust and put everyone else first. And so, we grow up watching our mothers stretch budgets, reuse things until they are worn out, and say things like, “Ok lang ako,” “Para sa mga bata, tiisin ko,” or “Hindi na kailangan,” even though deep inside, their emotions are screaming for it.
So when we become wives, that mindset comes with us. Even when we already have our own income. Even when our husbands are generous. Even when we are the ones managing the household finances.
So now, we feel that spending on ourselves still feels wrong. There’s like a voice inside our heads saying,
“Hindi ikaw ang priority kaya hindi ka dapat gumastos.” And over time, that voice becomes normal.
When money stops being logical and becomes emotional
I remember a season in my marriage when I barely bought anything for myself. I told myself I was being practical and responsible. And besides, we were saving up for our joint emergency fund. But looking back, I hated that feeling of not buying what I want. I knew that I was tired of depriving myself and I was slowly disappearing from my own life.
Being thrifty was already a part of me, but that extreme level of depriving myself made me realize that I was not being smart thrifty anymore. I was exaggeratingly depriving myself, calling it discipline when it was really guilt wearing a mask.
5 Ways to Stop Feeling Guilty About Spending as a Wife
Here’s what I’ve learned and what I did that I knew helped me fight off the guilt:
1. Create a personal spending budget
This is the most practical and game changing step. Instead of spending only when there is leftover money set aside a specific amount every month just for you. This is not “extra” money. This is money you intentionally allocate for your happiness and well being.
When that budget is set, you stop feeling like you are stealing from the family. It becomes a planned and a guilt-free part of your finances. For example: “This month I will spend ₱2,000 on myself. If I do not spend it all, I will save it. But I will not feel guilty for using it.”
Now isn’t that empowering?
2. Talk openly with your husband about money
One thing I asked from my then boyfriend, now my husband, was transparency. Transparency in everything like finances, feelings, ideas, and goals. And so I knew I should reciprocate by being honest with him about giving me the freedom of buying things (especially self-care items) without having to ask permission.
Many wives feel guilty because they treat spending like they need permission. But marriage is a partnership, not a parent-child relationship. Sit down with your husband and talk about your money goals, priorities, and boundaries. When both of you agree on the budget, spending becomes a shared decision and not a secret struggle.
3. You cannot pour from an empty cup
If you keep depriving yourself, you will eventually feel emotionally-drained. Trust me, I’ve felt that before.
When you are empty, you cannot give your best to your family, your husband, or your work. Self care is not selfish. It is necessary.
I’d like to use the phrase “refilling your cup”. You are refilling yourself so you can show up better for them because woman…you deserve to be filled, loved, and cared for too!
“But Ameena, how can you pour when you have nothing to pour at all?”
Refilling your cup does not always require big expenses or grand actions. It can be as simple as resting, taking a quiet moment for yourself, talking to someone you trust, or doing something small that brings you joy.
Even when you feel like you have nothing left to give, you can still start refilling in small ways. The important part is recognizing your need and taking one small step towards self-care. When you allow yourself to be refilled, you are not being selfish. You are making sure that you can show up better for your family, your marriage, and yourself.
4. Differentiate wants from needs
Sometimes guilt comes from thinking that wants are bad. But wants are normal and they make life enjoyable. The key here is balance.
Before buying something, ask yourself: “Is this something I truly need or something that will bring joy?”
If it is a want, that’s fine but make sure it fits within your personal spending budget we mentioned in #1. The goal is to not stop spending. The goal is to spend wisely and intentionally.
5. Replace guilt with gratitude
Guilt often comes from scarcity mindset. Instead of thinking, “I should not spend,” try changing your mindset to one with gratitude and tell yourself “I am grateful we can afford this.” With this shift, spending becomes an appreciation of your hard work and blessings.
But remember, gratitude does not mean you have a free ticket to overspend as much as you want. Having a gratitude mindset means recognizing that your family has resources, and you are allowed to enjoy the fruits of your labor.
If you are a wife or a mom who feels guilty every time you spend on yourself, please hear me out.
Money is not just for survival. It is also for living. You are allowed to be smart thrifty while enjoying your life. You are allowed to feel good about what you buy. You are allowed to matter in your own budget.
Let go of the guilt slowly. Gently. One decision at a time. And the next time you buy something for yourself, please, no more apologies or pitying yourself.
Smile instead because you deserve that.